Belmont Balancing Act

Ok, so there may be one or two souls out there putting the ol' schnozzola to the grindstone and getting one last close into the books, but as Bob Dylan sings, "It ain't me, babe..."; I am off the clock today: getting ready for whatever extravaganzas are coming tonight.

With that cut into stone, I may relate that Belmont was nicely balanced when comparing sales of singles in 2010 to 2009. With the final caveat of last hour closings (C'mon no one's workin' today!), we can say that 144 singles changed hands in 2010. That is 3 less than 2009 (147) and a 2% tip to the "malaise", but wait....the average sale price was just shy of $778,000 according to my stats from MLS, versus 2009's average pluck of $730,000 (up a bit). The scales shift back to the center: a little less in sales, a little more in price (or commission check for the Belmont agents). Even Steven. In fact, those agents grabbed a cut of $112,011,552in sales in 2010. In 2009 those same souls were forced to get by with commissions based on a paltry 107,310,558 -- about 4.7 million dollars less in 2009 versus 2010.

I just peel with excitement at what a breakdown of the condo market might be, but that will have to wait. I am off today. See you all on the other side. May any and all of your disappointments in this dying year of 2010 inspire you all to travel roads with brighter and wider eyes.

My best,
Al.

Value Added Investment Grade? One step at a Time

Agents live for broker tours. For those not of the "cognoscenti", a broker tour is like an Open House, except it is an Open House for the "elect" -- read that for only brokers. It is a chance for a listing agent to show a property to other agents in the hope they may well have a client who would like the home. Agents going on tour do not necessarily like the Broker Tours for this -- they like it for the free food that is usually spread out by the Listing Agent to entice the traffic. For example, in my corner of the world, "lunch" is served in Belmont, Arlington and Cambridge on Tuesdays, Wednesday it is Newton, and Friday it is Watertown and Waltham (yum yum). Other towns in my area have their days...check an agent's GPS history and you can figure that out for Medford, Lexington, Wellesley, Brookline and so on.

The other day, I go to this broker tour. I am cheerfully met at the door by a sprightly young agent (I know she is young...the low cut sweater [a Cashmere Over Sized Cowl Tunic from Michael Star; $326] that she wears is slightly amiss at the left shoulder exposing not just a maroon bra strap [Victoria's Secret], but also the wing of an angel tattoo pricked into the skin, I surmise, after a long night with some Brown University frat boy(s?) -- I recognize the work...Ronnie's Tattoo, Providence, RI; $89.99).

"Welcome," she says, and, "Oh, could you please remove your shoes?"

Now readers, at my stage in life and in this place and time, I should be excited when a woman asks me to remove ANY article of my clothing, in this case, if for nothing else, for the one second of fantasy that this person has a foot fetish. Alas, sadly, she spoke too fast and cut all "fantasm" to the quick.

"It is the rugs," she imparts, "they are collector quality."

For the first time, I looked below the agent's torso, passed the Eileen Fisher Stretch Ponte Pencil Skirt (Sak's Fifth Avenue, $158), down the finely waxed calves (Li Kim Thuy's Nail and Wax Shop [bikini lines a specialty], Dorchester, perhaps?) and down to the bare feet ("Shoeless" Joe Jackson; Chicago White Sox, 1919). Off to the right was an imitation brass scupper (Home and Hearth, $68), and neatly resting in it were the agent's shoes; black high heeled "court pumps" from Redoute Creations, Paris (40 Euros or 60 bucks at current exchange rates).

"You see," she continued, "the rugs are all quite pricey. This one is an Isfahan and over there in the sitting room is a Bakhshaish. This runner is a Hussainaba. They are investments!"

Now folks, I really do not want to talk rugs here, but rugs as an investment?...I mean if you want people to just stamp and stomp all over your investments, that is O.K, but why not just give your money to Wall Street? That's what they down there everyday.

"Uh, huh," I say as I remove my shoes (PayLess $14.99 Buy-One-Get-One-Free [BOGO]), thanking God for the wisdom of that trip to Marshall's the day before (New black socks, slightly irregular, 6 pair; $3.99). As I am doing this, I am searching about for the route to the kitchen and the free lunch platter laid out. After all, all I want, all ALL agents want is a sandwich and maybe a Coke to go (free at Broker Tours; $1.59 at 7-11; remember to cash in the can and you come out a nickel to the good!).

"And," she points out, "all the collectibles on the walls!", and she directs my attention to the shelves and cut outs and nooks and crannies filled with bric-a-bracs, porcelains and potteries of all manner of invention.

"Listen," I say, still looking beyond her slender posterior for the platter (do I smell roast beef!?), "I don't know, kiddo...you are going to bring a lot of people into this house and with all these nicknacks about, well...I'd be afraid that some of them are going to get 'paddy-whacked'...and you'll be the one that will have to, shall we say, 'give the dog the bone' if you get my drift". She didn't, apparently she is too young for the "This-Old-Man-He-Plays-One" joke motif.

"Come again?" she says, and I reply something to the effect that at my age, I would need a good dose of Viagra to do that (she didn't get that joke either).

"I don't understand," she says.

I tell her, "What I mean is...it's the stuff...no one -- not even you!!! -- will be looking at the house. It is ALL stuff. First you ask folks to take off their shoes...what if they have a hole in their sock?" (Thank God [again] I went to Marshalls!), "then they walk into this museum. Let me tell ya, honey, people want to live in a house, not a museum. You know who lives in a museum?...King Tut lives in a museum, and for him that's an upgrade, 'cause before that he was living in a freaking hole in the desert for 3 thousand years!. Folks want to see if their entertainment center from Jordan's Furniture will fit here. They want to see the glow of the hardwood floors; they don't want to tip-toe around some magic carpet smuggled out of Pakistan. For your sake and for the sake of your client, you need to get this place cleaned up. You're not selling admission tickets here...you are selling a house."

She begins a retort of some sort, but I am gone; I see the snake route to the kitchen and the spread; catered by Rebecca's!!! ooooh!, Turkey, Tuna, Veggie, and ROAST BEEF on SOUR DOUGH ROLLS ($7.99 each), a bag of Cape Cod Chips ($1.19)...and a Diet Coke.........TO GO.

Terminal-ology

A description from one of my sold listings follows:

This convenient 2 family in the desirable West End features newer vinyl siding, new replacement windows, new heating and hot water systems, updated electric, as well as a pristine and just renovated second floor unit along with other bonuses. Enjoy great rent potential in a home that is close to public transportation and area amenities.

Ya see what we got there? Keep it in mind as we digress...

Back in the day when I was a lad, a friend came to me and asked wouldst I proffer to him my time and disposition to make success of a double date. His plan was to go bowling; he with his "amour" on their third foray and I, well, she has a cousin, a cousin who was visiting, I may have surmised from the "farm". Naturally, I asked of the pertinent qualities and he responded with, "She's great...she's a really nice person, fun to be around...she's got a great personality."

I passed on the blind date. I figured that if the best asset to be offered was the fun-to-be-around, great personality, then I might as well get it on with Ronald McDonald because at least he wears a balloon nose over his ugly face.

I bring this up because, in fact, many years later I saw that blind date. She was with my friend. My friend catches me in a Bruegger's and calls me over to meet his wife, a local TV personality, and the conversation went like this:

"XXXX, this is my friend, Al....Al, this is my wife, XXXX (although, if you watch the weather, I think you know that."
"Pleased," I say.
"You know, honey," my friend says, "This is the guy I wanted to set you up with when you first moved here." Hollow laughs all around.
"Well, I am glad he said 'No' ", she said and off they went.

A few days later I tagged him by phone:

"Yeah, so what was that," I inject, "You dumped the girlfriend and take up with the cousin?"
"Could have been yours, pal, could have been yours."
"Except you told me she was a dog...you told me she had a uhhh 'great personality'..."
"And she does..."
"But," I say, "With all due respect, why did you try to sell me on that bill of goods. I was twenty. You're selling me Emily Dickinson when I wanted to buy Sharon Stone, for crissakes."
"Well...you were a sensitive guy. I gave you sensitive..."

So what the hell is the point of this story? The point of this story is the wording. A "sell" word can well be terminal to a sale if not properly placed. Folks are wary of words; they can mean many things, and in most cases, they mean to dislodge and up end belief.

So it is with Real Estate descriptions and the words we use. I try not to use the buzz words -- buzz words create obfuscation. So herewith are some buzz words and what I feel they mean to a reader:

Cozy -- small

Close to Shops -- every rummy in town will piss on your privet hedges as he walks by on his way to the "Packy".

Unique -- stupid

Family room -- basement

Wet bar -- basement has a sink

Au pair -- basement has a bed where the owner's son used to hump his girlfriend

County like -- you will be mowing the lawn every day

Won't last -- it will be going to foreclosure soon

Meticulously maintained -- has not had a thing done to it since Eisenhower was in office

Quiet Street -- the town does not maintain it

Lots of storage -- wet basement

Open architecture -- you know when anyone goes into the can

Half bath -- they turned a closet into a "Throne Room"

Easy access -- it is on a main drag

Expandable -- you can finish the attic once you get the squirrels out of it

Tudor -- rooms in the attic

Old charmer -- Ugly

Historic -- previous owner was a sex offender

Great school -- high taxes

Desirable -- high taxes

Small town feel -- high taxes

Period detail -- rotten moulding

Sweat Equity -- you will never get it done; hire a contractor

MICRO economics in Belmont

It has been a long and dispiriting spring followed by a dismal summer that saw long time stores shutter up all around my little corner of the world. The Auto Parts guy in Cushing Square is in the process of pulling his spark plugs -- the EVERYTHING MUST GO sign screams across Common Street. No more can a soul buy fudge down Trapelo Road, and the print shop one passes on the way has run out of ink -- the building is now forlorn and for sale. An electrician has moved into the storefront that was once a takeout chicken joint: "I don't need a store front," he told me, "but the price was right." The old bookstore in the center of town

Of all the shuttered businesses about, the one that is most surprising is my maid: she stopped coming in June. For the better part of ten years, she had been mopping and wiping the the ne'er-do-well issue of my life, finding shoes I have left scattered about, washing dishes, putting the glow on my hardwoods, vacuuming out of the rug the evidence of my retreating hairline, and in general working her skill on those things and utilities about which modesty forbids description.

I did some "jungle drum" research into the woebegone circumstances...it appears she was illegal, I have been told. She was a regular traveller to and back from Brazil. As far As I can guess, she did the trip one too many times. I have been visited by at least seven "new" Brazilians, all claiming to be the extension of my maid's business. I have chosen none of them.

If the dismal summer taught me anything, it was a real lesson in MACROeconomics by way of the MICRO. You see, I have been sweeping the floors myself, mopping, putting away my shoes, and what nots, and doing exactly all the things I should have been doing in the first place. My home is tidy, fit for me, if not for a king, AND I am saving 63 smackers a week -- that's 63 bucks staying inside the US economy, yup 63 bucks a week that I will use here -- maybe an extra Trombone lesson for the kid, or maybe, after a year, well let us see -- that is almost $3,300 dollars! That is the down payment on that new Chevy Cruze that is going to be the hot car of 2011!

They say that illegals are doing jobs WE do not want to do. I say, they are doing jobs that need NOT be done. We are overly conspicuous in our consumption. We do not need some of the services we buy. As a cleaner, I am doing just fine, thank you...a few minutes a day here and there and I am at one with my home. I have reconnected with the nooks and crannies (and found things I should have discarded years ago not to mention things I should have held closer to my thoughts, but instead dumped behind the file cabinets). And, of course, there is the exercise; I am feeling fit and trim as I putter about the halls of the castle, deep-kneeing my way into the closets and squatting to swipe the dust from under the futon.

And I have begun to think -- what if we all cleaned our own homes, mowed our lawn lawns, did our own nails? In my corner of the world, the landscaper's truck and trailer is longer than the street frontage of many homes...do we really need their services? Are we so busy at the gym that we cannot find 15 minutes and get our exercise pushing the rotaries across the grass?

For me, I see a win win...my apparently illegal maid has left the country, a situation that most folks feel needs to be replicated 10 million more times...and I have a new stash of cash in my pocket. What to do with it?...a great economic question, stay tuned.

News Events of the World -- Belmont (MA) Style

Cannot say too much about this other than it gives new meanig to Catfighting.

Belmont Citizen-Herald
Posted Apr 14, 2010 @ 04:32 PM
Belmont, Mass. — Police responded to a Creeley Road residence last week for a dispute between roommates that allegedly led one roommate to throw a cat at the other, according to a police report.

Officers responded to the scene just before 11 a.m. on April 8, where a male resident told police an argument erupted between him and his roommate, who claimed that the man had left the lid off a trash can, which attracted a skunk that wound up spraying the man’s cat.

The man said that during the argument, the roommate threw the cat at him.

Officers interviewed the roommate, who confirmed the two had argued but said he did not throw the cat.

Both men declined assistance in obtaining a restraining order against the other.

No charges were filed against either of the residents.

Copyright 2010 Belmont Citizen-Herald. Some rights reserved

Dr Leaky Then Zoo

That ditty up top has nothing to do with paleontology (Dr. Leaky and family in Africa -- remember from High School...or National Geographic?) It happens to be an anagram up top.

You see, folks, I had the pleasure of trying to do business with another broker this week. A broker who had more titles after her name than the Queen of England. Herewith are the business card busting "designations":

XXXXX XXXXXXXXX

ABR, ASR, CBR, CRB, CRS, GRI, ITI, PMN, RECS, SRES

Broker/Owner, Justice of the Peace, ABA Certified Paralegal

Now I have some "desigs" myself but they mean nothing to my clients and I don't put 'em on my cards. However in this case there may have had a higher purpose: all those letters -- a litany of triandic digits got me thinking, and the above anagram popped into mind.

It really works. Perhaps you know her (let me know if you want the solution). Perhaps not (still want the solution?). Perhaps you suddenly have a hankering for studying English or doing a puzzle in the Herald. Or maybe you'll pull out the old High School book and re-read up on Paranthropus Man.....

What's in a Name?

This morning I was int he process of tuning out a commercial on the radio when the announcer go a few words through my haze. The commercial was for ome sort of medical facility. The announcer, in touting the advantages of the particular sawmill, noted a good doctor by the name of YAO.

That got me going...

Yao, you see is the sound I make when I get a shot; it is the sound I make when I stub my toe. It is the elocution evacuated when I sliced my finger with the butcher knife...It is NOT the sound I want to hear when my doctor hands me his business card (you may well hear it when I get the bill!).

I supposed that rose-by-any-other-name gig kicks in here, but still...my doctor's "handle" being the sound of pain?...I think not.

Now my name as, well, guttural as it is, has an appeal, of sorts in my line of work, and my "StreetSmarts" TR (that's trademark) is an easy evolution. All this got me thinking about the names and slogans of a few of the folks with whom I associate.

My 2 favorites are competitors in the disagreeable area of septic tank cleaning. We all know what septic tanks are -- they are where all that, uhhh, flushing goes, and a cleaner of septic tanks keeps all that stuff running in the right direction (read that as not back up your pipes.

One company bills itself as, "we are number one in the number two business". Yup...right on the side of the trucks. The other is more scatological. That second company touts the benefits as it is by telling us, "a Royal Flush is better than a 'Full House' ". Not a bad poker play on words.

I supposed a doctor with a painful name may be good...certainly I remember it. It's not like my friend, Dr. Bottom --- the proctologist.

Is it a PUN? Belmont (and other thefts)

MY ditty from yesterday's papers (4/2/10), needs a tad of updating. For those who cannot remember yesterday, I will say that Vin Cedrone, whose folks own the chateau at 315 Crafts in Newton got bagged stealing expensive plaques from buildings and monuments. Pulled from sources is the quote below:

"In a statement, District Attorney Gerard T. Leone called the thefts “brazen,’’ saying Cedrone targeted public property in the three communities to sell. He estimated the damages to be in the tens of thousands of dollars."

The word "brazen" has taken on a meain inour vernacular of being tought, audacious -- sort of devil-may-care, damn-the-torpedoes sort of feel, yet there is more to the word. Here comes the fun.

The key to all this is the word "BRAZEN". The word stems from the Old English BRAESEN. It means, get this, B R A S S!. Yeah, brass as in metal... expensive metal, as in plaques on buildings! yeah, is it a pun? Is DA Leone exceedingly witty?...or most likely just a limited vocab kind of guy who hit it big today.

Anyway, it's wonderful. I hope the Perp ("brass balls" included) gets to hack his way through some metal bars soon.

The Belmont and Watertown and Newton and...THIEF

This is right outta the local Belmont (MA) "rag". It is too funny not to copy. Check out the "Perp's" Mode-of-Op...

By Dan Atkinson, Jen Thomas, Christian Schiavone and Emily Costello/belmont@cnc.com
Belmont Citizen-Herald
Posted Mar 31, 2010 @ 05:04 PM
Last update Mar 31, 2010 @ 05:27 PM
Newton, Mass. — Newton police have arrested a suspect in connection with last weekend’s theft of a bronze plaque from the Homer Building in Belmont, as well as a similar theft in Newton.

Vincent Cedrone, 52, of 315 Crafts St. in Newton, was charged with two counts of receiving stolen property, according to Newton Police Lt. Bruce Apotheker. He reportedly stole a bronze plaque from the Chestnut Grove condominium complex at 1175 Chestnut St. as well as the plaque in Belmont, Apotheker said.

Belmont police have also charged Cedrone with larceny over $250 and defacing property in connection with the March 21 theft of the Homer Building plaque, which was captured by several security cameras. The plaque is valued at about $1,900.

Cedrone’s arrest isn’t the first time his name has been connected to a missing historic plaque.

Last January, he received a $1,000 reward for returning the Belfry plaque stolen from Lexington’s Battle Green, according to one of the three businessmen who offered the reward.

Several weeks after the plaque went missing in December 2009, a Lexington police officer reportedly spotted Cedrone trying to load it into his car. He allegedly told the officer he found it and wanted to return it.

Now Cedrone is suspected of similar thefts in Belmont, Newton and Watertown, according to police officials in the three towns.

Lt. Richard Santangelo, a spokesman for the Belmont Police Department, said police received information that led them to Cedrone after releasing the security camera videos to news outlets, including one that aired the footage on the evening news.

The footage shows a man pulling into the Town Hall complex in a small white coupe at 4:30 p.m. The man appears to first try to pull off the bronze plaque on the school department building across the driveway, but gives up and moves on to the Homer Building.

“It was definitely the result getting the pictures out there to people,” said Santangelo. “Right after the broadcast we got some information.”

Santangelo declined to say what type of information police received and said he didn’t know whether it came first to police Belmont or Newton. After a joint investigation between police in Newton and Belmont, Newton officers made the arrest, Santangelo said.

So far, the Homer Building plaque has not been recovered and may have already been sold for scrap, according to police.

Santangelo said Cedrone is also a suspect in the theft of four other plaques from the Waverley Square area. One was mounted on a concrete post on the railroad bridge running along Trapelo Road. The other three were smaller plaques set in stone monuments around the triangular grassy space over the Waverley Square Commuter Rail station.

Historical plaques have turned up stolen in Newton and Watertown in recent months. Tablets have been swiped from Newton's Country Day School, Memorial Monument Rock at Newton City Hall and the Johnny Kelley statue.

Watertown had seven plaques stolen — three from Arsenal Park, three from in front of the Commander's Mansion on Talcott Avenue and one from Watertown Square. All appear to have been pried off.

Lt. Michael Lawn of the Watertown Police Department said police believe the thefts in Watertown, Belmont and Newton are related. Though Cedrone has not been charged with any of the Watertown thefts, Lawn said the police are "confident" the crimes were committed by the same person.

Thieves did not get away with another plaque at the George Washington monument in front of the Watertown Free Public Library, though the plaque suffered some damage from what appears to be an attempt at dislodging it.

Police believe the plaques were stolen so the metal could be scrapped.

Newton's Apotheker would not comment if Cedrone is connected to other plaque thefts, referring questions to the Middlesex District Attorney's office. The DA's office has not returned phone calls for comment.

At least a dozen plaques have been reported stolen in the Newton area over the past few weeks.

Despite Cedrone's arrest, John Carroll, one of the Lexington businessmen who gave Cedrone the reward, said he was just happy to have the plaque back.

“When we made the offer, it was no questions asked,” said Carroll, who owns Stone Meadow Golf on Waltham Street. “We were more interested in getting the plaque back and making sure it wasn't sold for scrap. It turned out well in the end.”

Copyright 2010 Belmont Citizen-Herald. Some rights reserved

April Fool's Day

Other than the fact that Rambler (Actually by then called American Motors) introduced the piece of crap "Gremlin" "car", we see nothing very funny happening on this day of fools.

We cannot even find a reason, other than of the Urban variety as why this day is noted as such. Some say it has to do with the changing of the New Year to January (instead of timing it with the beginning of spring -- that was foolish), but that seems not the case as Chaucer in the 1300's talks of Fools Day and the switcheroo to January took form a couple hundred years later.

One thing is certain -- pranks will be played, for humor is the name of the day. Lest, however we forget what humor is, we must be reminded at ALL humor needs a victim. Someone needs to fall, or have his face flattened by a frying pan, or be ridiculed in public. In order for an audience to laugh, some ONE person has to cry. So go out and do one's thing on this day...the village idiot is waiting to be slapped.