Terminal-ology

A description from one of my sold listings follows:

This convenient 2 family in the desirable West End features newer vinyl siding, new replacement windows, new heating and hot water systems, updated electric, as well as a pristine and just renovated second floor unit along with other bonuses. Enjoy great rent potential in a home that is close to public transportation and area amenities.

Ya see what we got there? Keep it in mind as we digress...

Back in the day when I was a lad, a friend came to me and asked wouldst I proffer to him my time and disposition to make success of a double date. His plan was to go bowling; he with his "amour" on their third foray and I, well, she has a cousin, a cousin who was visiting, I may have surmised from the "farm". Naturally, I asked of the pertinent qualities and he responded with, "She's great...she's a really nice person, fun to be around...she's got a great personality."

I passed on the blind date. I figured that if the best asset to be offered was the fun-to-be-around, great personality, then I might as well get it on with Ronald McDonald because at least he wears a balloon nose over his ugly face.

I bring this up because, in fact, many years later I saw that blind date. She was with my friend. My friend catches me in a Bruegger's and calls me over to meet his wife, a local TV personality, and the conversation went like this:

"XXXX, this is my friend, Al....Al, this is my wife, XXXX (although, if you watch the weather, I think you know that."
"Pleased," I say.
"You know, honey," my friend says, "This is the guy I wanted to set you up with when you first moved here." Hollow laughs all around.
"Well, I am glad he said 'No' ", she said and off they went.

A few days later I tagged him by phone:

"Yeah, so what was that," I inject, "You dumped the girlfriend and take up with the cousin?"
"Could have been yours, pal, could have been yours."
"Except you told me she was a dog...you told me she had a uhhh 'great personality'..."
"And she does..."
"But," I say, "With all due respect, why did you try to sell me on that bill of goods. I was twenty. You're selling me Emily Dickinson when I wanted to buy Sharon Stone, for crissakes."
"Well...you were a sensitive guy. I gave you sensitive..."

So what the hell is the point of this story? The point of this story is the wording. A "sell" word can well be terminal to a sale if not properly placed. Folks are wary of words; they can mean many things, and in most cases, they mean to dislodge and up end belief.

So it is with Real Estate descriptions and the words we use. I try not to use the buzz words -- buzz words create obfuscation. So herewith are some buzz words and what I feel they mean to a reader:

Cozy -- small

Close to Shops -- every rummy in town will piss on your privet hedges as he walks by on his way to the "Packy".

Unique -- stupid

Family room -- basement

Wet bar -- basement has a sink

Au pair -- basement has a bed where the owner's son used to hump his girlfriend

County like -- you will be mowing the lawn every day

Won't last -- it will be going to foreclosure soon

Meticulously maintained -- has not had a thing done to it since Eisenhower was in office

Quiet Street -- the town does not maintain it

Lots of storage -- wet basement

Open architecture -- you know when anyone goes into the can

Half bath -- they turned a closet into a "Throne Room"

Easy access -- it is on a main drag

Expandable -- you can finish the attic once you get the squirrels out of it

Tudor -- rooms in the attic

Old charmer -- Ugly

Historic -- previous owner was a sex offender

Great school -- high taxes

Desirable -- high taxes

Small town feel -- high taxes

Period detail -- rotten moulding

Sweat Equity -- you will never get it done; hire a contractor